A little breathing Space.

Feelings are much like waves, we can't stop them from coming but we can choose which one to surf. ~Jonatan Mårtensson

I feel most peculiar. The performances scheduled for the end of this week have been cancelled & I have pulled out of Sunday's rehearsal because Liddy has her car ~ & public transport is a pain on the weekends. This means we will be having a much quieter week than anticipated. It is quite disorientating. We are almost on an even keel again.

I say almost because Wednesdays are always full on & this year Ditz isn't doing flute exams. This is good but it has made this term a little difficult. She really has no goal but has her grade pieces under control~ as she did last year. This term was all about fine tuning. Jan is starting to push ~ which he never has before. Ditz is digging in her heels. Ditz is performance oriented but her weakness is her sight reading & now Jan is on her case. When Ditz reads ahead most of her playing troubles become insignificant but she still tends to plod note by note. Ditz is a terribly lopsided learner. For every area of excellence she has an equally difficult trouble spot that pulls her down but because she is bright she compensates & then, also because she is bright, she coasts what comes easily. So know that feeling! Grade 5 is when the pressure really starts to get applied. Grade 5 is no longer a beginner's exam. I know I'd like Ditz to sit this one; every 2nd year works fine for me. Actually I may talk to Jan & work towards mid~year exams & give Ditz 18 months to practise for this one. Jan is talking Conservatorium & though I don't think Ditz will choose this route she still needs the theory & practical stuff behind her. We are starting to get to the business end of Ditz's choices so it would be nice if she showed some maturity & was sensible. All right you lot; stop sniggering. A woman can dream, can't she?

Actually, I need to remind myself how far Ditz has come. It is very easy to focus on what still needs to be achieved & forget that once getting her to sit still & quiet, even for 10 minutes, was something of an achievement & lessons, even music lessons, were punctuated by her teacher following her round the room when she wandered off. Teaching Ditz has never been for wooses.

Instead we have singing exams looming on the horizon. The ensemble as a choir is doing their silver exam; Ditz is just doing her grade 3 singing. I know they are getting to Ditz because she is suffering a particular form of paralysis. Unfortunately this does not stop the inevitable. Nor do I understand it. Any child that can get up in front of a rock concert sized crowd & perform solo, however briefly, should have no qualms about a paltry little exam but unfortunately Ditz's mind does not seem to work this way & exams are one of the few things that really spin her out. As I've never suffered from exam phobia, even when I've been poorly prepared, & am not adverse to public speaking I don't really get why she gets such a bee in her bonnet. Being Ditz she doesn't articulate her problem very well either. *sigh* I think she needs to get over this. Fast. Exams are going to be a part of her life for a while yet.

However this little breathing space means I can schedule in a painting afternoon again. Music has become so all~consuming many other things Ditz enjoys have had to be put on hold. I know she misses her art but there is literally no time. It says a good deal about how passionate she is about music that she is willing to forgo other things she also loves. This is important for balance. Having invested so much in getting Ditz where she said she wanted to be I don't want her to burn out & I know working from here makes it all that much harder. The travelling is just exhausting & I know it affects Ditz. When she starts saying she doesn't want to do a concert I know we have issues happening so I'm really grateful to have this little breather, just be home, play with the cat [who's desperate to be played with], pick my tomatoes & celery, paint a little, go play some soccer & catch up on the schoolwork & household chores. It's just as well I'm not the house proud sort!