Go mbeannai Dia duit.

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Quaker by conviction, mother by default, Celticst through love, Christ follower because I once was lost but now am found...

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Trouble is,son, The farther you run, The more you feel undefined For what you have left undone And, more, what you've left behind. ~ Stephen Joshua Sondheim

I love Autumn. I find the bright, glittery days invigerating. I love the coolness of the mornings & evenings. I love that it doesn't get too terribly hot for me & I can work solidly in my garden without feeling like I might just melt away at any moment.
This morning I was out early moving gently through my yard before the rest of the household was up tidying up the chaos my sons invariably leave behind them ~ petrol cans, bait buckets, plastic bags, buoys & floats & lengths of rope. Then I swept down my verandah & put all my garden furniture back where it belongs, got the shears & cut back some rampant shrubbery, filled the spray bottle with my poison of preference & sprayed the weeds. I think it was Kipling who said you're closest to God in a garden. I happen to believe that's true.

My garden will never win any contests for beauty. A lot of it has been left just as God designed it. I've just filled in the gaps, provided water for the birds that entertain my nutty cat & made somewhere safe for the firebugs to play. While I worked I contemplated the goodness of God.

It has been 3 years & counting since I spoke to my oldest son. It's complicated because he is a complicated person, highly intelligent & socially inept, prone to violent rages for no reason...yadda, yadda. Total emotional rollercoaster. For a while he was living in Brisbane. People would say, 'Oh, BTW, I saw Jossie in town,' but we never did. I probably don't frequent the parts of town Jossie did. So we knew he was o.k, or as o.k as he could be, & we knew he knew where we were because however difficult he was he was still our son & we've never turned our backs on him. I don't imagine he finds himself very easy to live with either. Then suddenly he just dropped off the radar.

I contemplated filing a missing persons report...but he wasn't really missing. He just didn't want to talk to us. Now I know the majority of the world would have done something. I'm not the majority of the world. I have the novelist's appalling habit of sitting back & watching to see how events unfold. Besides, God had already told me in no uncertain terms to take my hands off & leave Jossie to him. You've got no idea how hard that has been!

So I waited & watched...

I have this friend, an American friend, with whom I was pen pals for a while & very occasionally we'd chat on MSN but she had an old computer & she kept disappearing on me so when she suggested Facebook I reluctantly opened an account ~ as some of you now know! The girls have had one forever because that's how they keep in touch with cousins spread over 1/2 the country. So paddling round in this unfamiliar territory I typed in Jossie's name ~ & lo & behold he has a Facebook account too. And now I know why he dropped off the radar. It seems he has joined the army. As a Quaker it's certainly not my career of choice but I do see that the imposition of external discipline is probably exactly what Joss needs to get his life on track. More, I know he's not homeless...or in jail...or derelict, drug addicted, hungry & in need of the basic things in life & he could have been. He so very easily could have been.

I am so very grateful to know that he is ok.

God works in mysterious ways his wonders to perform


A. said...

"you're closest to God in a garden."
Will have to read some Kipling. Makes sense; I found God in the garden. Cucumbers, to be precise.

Your Jossie reminds me of my brother in some ways. Full of rage, though the world has done nothing to him, and rage directed at the very people who try very, very hard to love someone who lashes out. I don't know how hard it has been, but I do know it pains me to know my parents are in pain. You must be very relieved to have found him on Facebook, of all areas!


Ganeida said...

Allison, I have led you astray...I assumed the quote was from Kipling's, All England is a Garden, but it's not. Below is the poem it comes from ~ with author.
God's Garden

THE Lord God planted a garden
In the first white days of the world,
And He set there an angel warden
In a garment of light enfurled.

So near to the peace of Heaven,
That the hawk might nest with the wren,
For there in the cool of the even
God walked with the first of men.

And I dream that these garden-closes
With their shade and their sun-flecked sod
And their lilies and bowers of roses,
Were laid by the hand of God.

The kiss of the sun for pardon,
The song of the birds for mirth,--
One is nearer God's heart in a garden
Than anywhere else on earth.

For He broke it for us in a garden
Under the olive-trees
Where the angel of strength was the warden
And the soul of the world found ease.

Dorothy Frances Gurney

The HoJo's said...

so relieved for you, rather nice to know all those prayers worked too :o)


Mrs. C said...

YES!!!!! He's ok!!! I'm very happy for you, but I don't know what to say about the hurt you are feeling except that I do "get" the thing about the rages.

G threw chairs and tried to hit D the other night, but um, hospitals won't take him unless he's suicidal or tries to kill someone. Yeah, that's helpful. And right now, he WANTS to go in. He WANTS help.

Mental illness really needs to be treated just like physical IMO, in terms of benefits and shame factor. Good grief.

Molytail said...

oh my heavens, you found him on FB? (and hey, I didn't know you were on there!) ...That must have been a bit of a shock - I've done the searching for people on there before and been quite surprised when I did indeed find them, but they weren't nearly as connected to me as Jossie is to you.

(I totally wasn't expecting to find your entry ending like that)

Wow.. <3

Ganeida said...

MrsC: I'm seriously surprised the lad passed the psych assessment ~ but he's always been a good dissembler short term.
My heart goes out to you with the violence thing. It is just so hard to deal with, those & the mood changes, especially once they are bigger than you are. No~one would even listen to us but you're ahead if G *wants* help.
I don't even know if they grow out of it ~ late maturers or something; do they? I agree about the benefits because they are so dysfunctional, can't hold a job, interact socially, simple things like drive a car. I tried once with Joss. He scared me silly. I said go left; he veered right! Yikes! And that wasn't the scary stuff.

Moly: it was a surprise to me too because I'd tried before & he wasn't there. Not that he's talking to me or I can see his profile but just knowing he's doing something saneish with his life & is ok is more than I knew a week ago.

seekingmyLord said...

It is hard to let go and let God, particularly when it comes to your children, I think. I am so glad the Lord guided you to find him and give you a bit of peace in your heart. I agree with you about the discipline in the service and, Ganeida, I think we all find what we seek and, if the Lord is guiding us, we seek what we need. He works in mysterious ways.

Regarding Facebook, I have been curious about it, but I resist it. Even though I can see some good in it for finding lost relationships, I am of the mind that there are some better to remain lost. Perhaps it is residual from the mistreatment in my past that I like my quiet little corners on the Internet with my anonymity intact.

Ganeida said...

Hojos: thank you for the prayers! :)

Seeking: I never wanted to be on Facebook. I honestly can't see the point but as I said, my friend kept dropping of the radar ~ several moves & a dud computer. Oh, & 1/2 my family that I never see have dropped in. Go figure!

I can live without the relationship with my son but I will sleep better knowing the lad has a job, a roof over his head & food in his belly because I know that there have been times when that has *not* been the case & pride wouldn't let him ask us for help. Ugh.

One thing I always appreciated about Quaker thinking is the space it allows for people to *work out their own salvation with fear & trembling* ~ because we all have to find our own way to the light. I can give Joss that respect but it is so nice to know he is finding a way.

MamaOlive said...

That is - not the best news, to find him in the Army - but good news, to find him. For some, military life is just what is needed.
Facebook is a nice way to keep up with family. My childhood ghosts are so far removed from my present that I don't fear them coming to haunt me at this point. Anyway, if some should ever pop up, I can just hit the "ignore" button and not worry about it any more.

Britwife said...

I'm happy that you have the peace of mind now. Who'd have thought - "Facebook to the rescue!" I'm on facebook too - but I haven't advertised myself (no I didn't do the - "I graduated from Blank-blank High School") If you didn't talk to me in school, I really don't want to chat with you now, kind of thinking.
The military may be the best thing for him right now! (I know that may sound harsh - but it does wonders for some people that need that kind of discipline in their lives). I will keep those thoughts in my prayers for you.
It's funny that while you are putting your garden to "bed" for the upcoming winter, we are just starting fresh with our spring. I just bought all my seeds and "stuff" this week!
Thanks for the birthday wishes!

Molytail said...

Y'know... you searched his name... he may have done the very same with yours at some point...


Ganeida said...

MamaO: given how politly we skirt around the fact you guys are *military* ;P, then na, not so happy but I do think Joss needs the discipline.

Britwife: If you want to add me let us know & I'll give you my details but I can't see me using it much. It strikes me as terribly superficial & in all honesty, I much prefer blogging where I can get to know people better...

Moly: that thought has occurred to me...& Joss is computer savvy enough to hack into almost anything. Should I worry?

Anonymous said...

I'm very glad to hear he's okay.


Homeschoolmum4Christ said...

I'm glad that your son is safe and well. Maybe, he is also wondering how you are going, but not sure how to get in touch with you, or maybe he doesn't want to admit that he made a mistake.