“God had only one Son and he made that Son a missionary.” ~David Livingston
Some lessons you never forget.
For the greater part of my life this has not been a problem when it came to church. Quaker worship takes place in almost total silence. If the silence is broken it is one sound, very quiet & considered dropped into the pool of silence like a small stone. Otherwise I have been in very small country churches. Twenty people max, Sunday morning. The old hymns, which require no effort on my part to sing because I have known them all my life. Very little hustle & bustle because it is the elderly who attend.
Now we are attending a larger church. It meets all our critea. What's more I got such a jolt of confirmation in my spirit when it's home page popped up on my computer screen I have never doubted that it is where we are to be for the moment. And I hate it.
For one thing it is huge. 500 people easily at a Sunday morning service! Can you imagine what that does to little backwater me?! I get so claustrophobic. The music is awful. I don't know what key they generally choose to sing in but it's one I just can't pitch to at all ~ so I'm thinking F & it is like caterwauling because only the band ever manages to be on pitch! Being in small sedate churches I have not had to worry about custody of the eyes ~ isn't that a lovely term? Now I do. With people bib~bobbing all over the place, even dancing up & down the aisles, I am visually over stimulated & most definitely not thinking about God.
The preaching is wonderful! Honestly, I study & all too often I get frustrated because there is no meat to the sermon. I have met my match! lol I come away refreshed, renewed & with something to think about & ponder for the whole of the week ~ so why on earth am I grizzling? Because it's not what I expected!
I cannot see how I can contribute. I do not feel I have anything to offer but I have not been allowed to fade obscurely into the background. This has thrown me off~balance & consequentially made me very bad tempered. When I get bad tempered I sulk. [Yes, I am sulking at God. ssssh.]
when every face is a stranger's face I feel incredibly threatened & insecure. Nope, not a people person. Not at all. Every person I meet is a potential Jack~the~Ripper. I bet you didn't know that about me! Seriously, I walk around town with my bag weighed down with books because I figure I can swing it like a weapon if need be!
God has been patiently waiting for me to break cover. *sigh* It is getting better. People are very kind & friendly. Some faces are becoming familiar. I am finding ways to cope with the size, the noise, the visual stimulation. I am hanging on like grim death because I also know other things; things the Lord has shown me. This is a church that is intent on preparing its people to bring in the harvest. It is an End Times church prepared to "run a rescue mission within a yard of hell." ~ as C.T. Studd so happily expressed it. It is a church that not only outreaches but disciples. Biblically it is doing everything right. I am not. Working on it ~ but my flesh is screaming. Whoever thought church was such hard work!