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Quaker by conviction, mother by default, Celticst through love, Christ follower because I once was lost but now am found...

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Mazes, sandpits & deflected targets.

A desk is a dangerous place from which to watch the world ~ John le Carre.

Many years ago I first read The Spy who Came in from the Cold. Far, far better than anything Flemming ever did.  The aftertaste has never left me ~ which is what a good book should do for you.  Love it or hate it there should be that lingering aftertaste.

And the way my mind does, I was thinking about that book recently, about the hard, dirty, grittiness of it & the disillusioned, nihilistic world of Alex Leamas & how like certain aspects of the Christian walk that experience is.  Never say I don't make odd associations, but there it is.

I'm not necessarily the brightest spark in the tinder box.  I invariably have too many irons in my fire & my head in the clouds.  As  a consequence I invariably miss the obvious ~ & I don't just sort of miss it; I miss it by miles & miles & miles.

The log hit bottom yesterday.  With a resounding clang. Duh! Many thanks for those prayers people because I finally saw light ~ which is the difference between having all that wonderful head knowledge & the lived experience.  I think I now have the picture ~ not that I like it much but I get it.  We have been here before, this place where I spit the dummie & have a massive tantie, take back my bucket & spade & refuse to play, cross my arms in a huff 'n'puff & stick out my bottom lip ~ go on; laugh away.  We've all been there.  Because God is far more interested in my character development than I am.  Frankly, I couldn't give a rat's...Give me a good book & I can rather successfully bury myself any day.  Meanwhile God has been patiently trying to pry me out because character development is the name of the game.  I do not like this game.  I do not want to play.  It is painful & it hurts.  It is humiliating & embarrassing.  It is plain exhausting ~ & for the present there are no compensations, no rewards, no successes. *sigh*

If I had stopped & thought clearly even for a second I should have seen the pattern: Calling; wilderness; confirmation. Moses, Joseph, David.  Over & over again. I can't even say I loath the wilderness experience, once I understand that's where I am.  There is a wonderful lack of responsibility because there is no call on the ministry or gifting.  Everything goes on hold ~ & therein lies my greatest danger.  I simply abnegate all responsibility.  How God must groan when He has to deal with me.  I've been told I deflect rather well.

When my children were really little I used to tell them the most wonderful story: We're going on a Bear Hunt which has a refrain that goes: We can't go over it, we can't go under it; Oh, no, we have to go through it! Um, yeah.  What fun!


seekingmyLord said...

For the present, perhaps, but since when has God's works and rewards ever been confined to the present?

Ganeida said...

Seeking: Indeed ~ but the present is what I need to deal with. BTW my computer is just about catcapus. Dearest thinks he has a good bundle deal on laptops: him, me, maybe the Star? Which means skype & I can leave comments at your place again. Next week sometime. Then you can give me an earful in person. lol

Oh, & there is the question of getting Liddy off. All holds barred until that happens. I see signs of panic but she will be all good once the deed is done.

seekingmyLord said...

You will have your OWN computer...that is actually a scary thought for me for some odd reason.

Does Liddy have everything she needs and an absolute go?

Ganeida said...

Seeking: I have always had my own computer. The problem is everyone else uses it & it has no skype! ;P

Liddy should be good to go. She has to organise her passport & air ticket but she has been cleared for the mission field. She has the 80% support she needed for clearance & that is still increasing so she should be close to being fully supported. As most moissionaries are undersupported she is doing well, especially as her church has consistently refused to support her at all. Odd.