A desk is a dangerous place from which to watch the world ~ John le Carre.
Many years ago I first read The Spy who Came in from the Cold. Far, far better than anything Flemming ever did. The aftertaste has never left me ~ which is what a good book should do for you. Love it or hate it there should be that lingering aftertaste.
And the way my mind does, I was thinking about that book recently, about the hard, dirty, grittiness of it & the disillusioned, nihilistic world of Alex Leamas & how like certain aspects of the Christian walk that experience is. Never say I don't make odd associations, but there it is.
I'm not necessarily the brightest spark in the tinder box. I invariably have too many irons in my fire & my head in the clouds. As a consequence I invariably miss the obvious ~ & I don't just sort of miss it; I miss it by miles & miles & miles.
The log hit bottom yesterday. With a resounding clang. Duh! Many thanks for those prayers people because I finally saw light ~ which is the difference between having all that wonderful head knowledge & the lived experience. I think I now have the picture ~ not that I like it much but I get it. We have been here before, this place where I spit the dummie & have a massive tantie, take back my bucket & spade & refuse to play, cross my arms in a huff 'n'puff & stick out my bottom lip ~ go on; laugh away. We've all been there. Because God is far more interested in my character development than I am. Frankly, I couldn't give a rat's...Give me a good book & I can rather successfully bury myself any day. Meanwhile God has been patiently trying to pry me out because character development is the name of the game. I do not like this game. I do not want to play. It is painful & it hurts. It is humiliating & embarrassing. It is plain exhausting ~ & for the present there are no compensations, no rewards, no successes. *sigh*
If I had stopped & thought clearly even for a second I should have seen the pattern: Calling; wilderness; confirmation. Moses, Joseph, David. Over & over again. I can't even say I loath the wilderness experience, once I understand that's where I am. There is a wonderful lack of responsibility because there is no call on the ministry or gifting. Everything goes on hold ~ & therein lies my greatest danger. I simply abnegate all responsibility. How God must groan when He has to deal with me. I've been told I deflect rather well.
When my children were really little I used to tell them the most wonderful story: We're going on a Bear Hunt which has a refrain that goes: We can't go over it, we can't go under it; Oh, no, we have to go through it! Um, yeah. What fun!