When peace like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul ~ Horatio Spafford
I was saying to Dearest just yesterday that this is the first time I've had time to begin to process what I'm going through at school. A lot is being shovelled in; not a whole lot has been coming back out. I am aware of a great inner wrenching but just what is being wrenched I am not exactly sure.
And taking time to breathe, because the whole idea of going back to school was so not my idea & if it had been Bible School is not what I would have chosen [I was thinking more archaeology/anthropology/PDH in Lit lol] my carnal woman is over it! Too sad making I know. Seriously, there I was looking down the barrel of the end of 13 years plus of homeschool, nearly 30 of parenting & I was making plans, you know: that trip back to Scotland....the book that's been on hold how many years now?...Visiting the girl in Santiago before she arrives back home. No, I did not consult the Lord about any of this. I was just minding my own business & living my life. I was. I am not the ambitious sort. I was supremely happy dabbling in my little duck pond out of the mainstream. Come on, Ladies! I can not be the only one. Tell me it is not so!
Dearest nick~named me The Ostrich a long time ago for my habit of sticking my head in the sand & ignoring unpleasantnesses. If I don't want to know about it I am very good at not knowing it's there ~ no matter who is speaking to me! And God was trying very hard to get my attention while I was very busily assuming He was not talking to ME! Three times [3!] complete strangers approached me at church & asked why I wasn't in bible school. I had a list of reasons longer than my arm why not, starting with, But I don't want to be. And when I did get around to asking it was like being slapped up the side of the head to a resounding: Halleluja! Finally! Now get your butt moving! Oh. My.
And in a way I am still dragging my feet. Wouldn't it be nice if the Holy Spirit would just over~ride our natural inclinactions to be difficult? But He doesn't. *sigh* In my head I'm still protesting. There's that nice Quaker school He could have sent me to instead...Or maybe just a supernatural empowering. I'm good with that. See, Brave I am not. I asked, silly me! what I was doing in school & I got told. Oh, yes, indeed!
God does my head in ~ & I'm sure He rolls those heavely eyes with a What are we going to do with you? look. One of the things He told me was that I would go to the nations. Not that the nations would come to me, but that I would go to them. And I did a Sarah. I laughed. I live on a tiny little island, 17 ks long, 3 wide, population maybe 3 ooo when the tide's in on a summer's day. And when I say money is tight in this house think pinched tight.
The Lord can be as clear as a bell when He wants to be & when He wants me moving He makes sure I've heard loud & clear & the inner compulsion is such that disobeying becomes something of an impossibility. Which is how I know the Lord has no problem with women in the pulpit regardless of man's ideas. So I did Abraham & I had the strangest feeling this message was for my old church ~ which I no longer attend, & who no longer ask me to preach there. Anyway I put it up & had the feeling that I should toddle down the road to said church on Sunday ~ I thought because they support Liddy & I do still speak to everyone; I just don't fellowship there.
There has been a change of leadership, which is a very good thing, & the Spirit was moving very gently. I was happily vegging in my seat having enjoyed the old hymns & prepared to listen to whomever was preaching when someone got up & began to read something they'd downloaded from the web. With a shock I realised I was listening to my own words getting preached back at me! It was as if the Lord said, I told you it would go out to the nations.
So here I am. I have things I know I need to talk to the Lord about; clarification I need; Answers...& I do not want to do it. I didn't like what I got told last time. I am even less likely to like it this time. And I know I have to do it. The reason the Lord is making sure all this stuff goes in is so that it can come out again. He has a purpose in mind. That it cuts completely across the grain of what I might like to do is beside the point. That is the deal because He is the Lord. A term we neither understand ~ or particularly like ~ in this modern world but if He is Lord I really am not my own. I am still getting over myself. My flesh is screaming. My inner woman is not. Girding my loins for the fray now...